The Charcutier’s Best Freind

Bloody curr more or less can say sausages.

Our thanks to Trig for suggesting the post.

The best sauce in the world is hunger.

Ginger Man

I am mildly chagrined to tell you that a few months ago I made this out of ginger root. I’m not sure what I was thinking about when I decided to make it. And I distinctly remember Trent asking me if I was going to post it on my blog and me responding “No, never.”

Yet here it is.

I suppose that no matter how civilized and cool we think we have become, Priapus will rear his head (s) and remind we are nothing more or less than animals bent on procreation and blind-to-every-other consequence.

The best sauce in the world is hunger.

Evidence of Genius: Exhibit 1

Not that anyone has ever had any reason to doubt the depth and breath of my intelligence. But it can’t hurt to publish a reminder of how miraculously smart I am to warn off those who might try to get over on me during one of those moments when I pretend to be in a weakened condition.

For example, this morning I decided to tackle a problem that afflicts millions but until today has proved to be unsolvable.

As everyone knows fly-swatters are reasonably green, cheap, and low tech devices that in the right hands are pretty good at killing flies. However, many people who use them have terrible aim and timing and do not manage to kill too many flies. Plus, killing flies by smacking them with a fly swatter often results in the dismemberment of the fly which leaves the killing area littered with fly parts and guts – a real liability in a kitchen where sanitation is a major concern.

My solution to the problem is to combine an ordinary fly swatter with a can of fly spray. Now, when I want to kill flies, I pop the cap on the spray, depress it with the paddle of the swatter, and no matter how bad my aim is the flies drop like flies.

The best sauce in the world is hunger.

I’m a bloody rock star!

I’ve wanted to be a rock star ever since I first saw real live rock stars on the stage at the Fillmore East in, I think, 1969. I was 13 when I saw Albert King, Chuck Berry and The Who tearing it up a what was arguably one of the two best venues for rock concerts in the world (The Fillmore West being the other). And given how thrilled I was to see Chuck do whatever that dance he did was called (duck walk?) and the maniacal Keith Moon breaking drum sticks as he played faster, and with more skill than any rock drummer I can think of, you would be forgiven for thinking that I ran home and formed a band.

But no, I’ve never been serious enough about music to actually learn how to play and instrument and singing loud enough to be taken seriously as a R&R singer has always felt to me to be, I don’t know, impolite?

So, even though I’ve always wanted to be a rock star, I never bothered to become one, until now.
And check it out: I did not have to pick up a guitar or open my mouth to do it. All I had to do was butcher.

See, according to Kim Severson writing for the New York Times, butchers are competing with chefs to be the rock stars of the culinary world. (So as a chef and a butcher I must be competing with myself? Odd.) She cites people who say butchers are hot, and that they like the fact that we wield big knives and are often covered in blood.

So now I’m a rock star and I’ve got Kim Severson and the NY Times to thank for it. Of course I have to thank my audience too, because without my fans, I could have never become the bloody awesome super star that I always knew I was but was too lazy and untalented to achieve on my own!

Never mind the bollocks, here’s the butcher

The best sauce in the world is hunger.

Roast Beef Recipe Circa 1955

Here’s a roast beef recipe that is sure to raise an eyebrow. It’s from comedic genius Gracie Allen. I’ve included a YouTube video of the The George Burns and Allen Show that contains a reference to the recipe @ circa 25 minutes into the show.

FW: Gracies kitchen magic

Gracie Allen’s Classic Recipe for Roast Beef

1 large Roast of beef
1 small Roast of beef

Take the two roasts and put them in the oven.

When the little one burns, the big one is done.

The best sauce in the world is hunger.

My Latest Invention: The Dorsavent Chef’s Jacket (Satire)

I am proud to announce that I have invented a product that promises to revolutionize the way chefs look and SAVE MONEY by cutting laundry and wardrobe costs by 50%!  

The Dorsavent ( from dorsal  and ventral) is the  first reversible chefs coat that is designed so that the back is a mirror image of the front. Now when the front of  the jacket gets dirty, the chef does not have to change to a new jacket!  He/she merely takes the jacket off, turns the back to the front and voila! The chef looks clean again.

This jacket will be especially attractive to chefs who work double shifts and restaurateurs whose budgets are being squeezed by the drop off in business that has crept in behind the freeze-up of the global credit market.

And for chefs who feel like schmucks  walking around with buttons and food smears on their back, there is an optional cape (available in black and white). I’m a fraking marketing genius. Get used to it. 

The best sauce in the world is hunger.

My Latest Invention: The Dorsavent Chef’s Jacket (Satire)

I am proud to announce that I have invented a product that promises to revolutionize the way chefs look and SAVE MONEY by cutting laundry and wardrobe costs by 50%!  

The Dorsavent ( from dorsal  and ventral) is the  first reversible chefs coat that is designed so that the back is a mirror image of the front. Now when the front of  the jacket gets dirty, the chef does not have to change to a new jacket!  He/she merely takes the jacket off, turns the back to the front and voila! The chef looks clean again.

This jacket will be especially attractive to chefs who work double shifts and restaurateurs whose budgets are being squeezed by the drop off in business that has crept in behind the freeze-up of the global credit market.

And for chefs who feel like schmucks  walking around with buttons and food smears on their back, there is an optional cape (available in black and white). I’m a fraking marketing genius. Get used to it. 

The best sauce in the world is hunger.

A Groovy Kitchen Tool

During my travels over the holiday season I noticed that many of my friends and relatives have installed flat panel TVs in their kitchens. While the idea of having a TV in the kitchen to distract me from thinking while I cook has always been slightly appealing to me, there is no way I’m going to spend money on something that is going to distract me from cooking. I mean, I’m an f–king cook right? Why would I want to pay to forget about an activity that contributes so much to my sense of who I am? Do priests swallow handfuls of valium before they give a sermon? Do sumo wrestlers listen to iPods during a contest? I don’t think so.

Still, seeing those TVs reminded me that it would not be a bad idea to include something in my batterie de cuisine not to distract me, but to serve as mild soporific for those moments when I get frazzled by some of the more mundane aspects of cooking (e.g. cutting the stems off of green beans: BORING!). So imagine my delight when my daughter discovered this lava lamp as she was cleaning out her room in order for me to paint it (Ain’t I lucky?).

This lava lamp does a better job of calming me down than a bank of flat panel TVs all tuned to Mr. Rodger’s neighborhood. It’s cool light and silent presentation of an ideal world where a rising big blob of oil gives birth to little blobs that fall and merge into another big blob is just what the doctor ordered for this cook’s overactive imagination.

The best sauce in the world is hunger.

A Groovy Kitchen Tool

During my travels over the holiday season I noticed that many of my friends and relatives have installed flat panel TVs in their kitchens. While the idea of having a TV in the kitchen to distract me from thinking while I cook has always been slightly appealing to me, there is no way I’m going to spend money on something that is going to distract me from cooking. I mean, I’m an f–king cook right? Why would I want to pay to forget about an activity that contributes so much to my sense of who I am? Do priests swallow handfuls of valium before they give a sermon? Do sumo wrestlers listen to iPods during a contest? I don’t think so.

Still, seeing those TVs reminded me that it would not be a bad idea to include something in my batterie de cuisine not to distract me, but to serve as mild soporific for those moments when I get frazzled by some of the more mundane aspects of cooking (e.g. cutting the stems off of green beans: BORING!). So imagine my delight when my daughter discovered this lava lamp as she was cleaning out her room in order for me to paint it (Ain’t I lucky?).

This lava lamp does a better job of calming me down than a bank of flat panel TVs all tuned to Mr. Rodger’s neighborhood. It’s cool light and silent presentation of an ideal world where a rising big blob of oil gives birth to little blobs that fall and merge into another big blob is just what the doctor ordered for this cook’s overactive imagination.

The best sauce in the world is hunger.

Warning: Chasing Wiener Can Be Embarassing

This rocks.

The best sauce in the world is hunger.